Friday, December 30, 2005

Beard Tugs for 2005

And so the end of another year is just about here, and despite what the gods have thrown at me I would like just to say to them "I’m still alive you cunts!"

Some think that I am nothing but a foul-mouthed cunt who does little but impotently scream abuse at the universe from my padded cell. And while there may be much truth in this representation, it is not the whole picture, for there are various people that have made me smile, smirk, guffaw and chuckle heartily over the past few months, and on occasion, even made me reflect.

So it is with a sense of disorientation that I would like to tug my beard with respect at various individuals who write blogs that I regularly like to print off and wipe my arse with.

I tug my beard with respect at Dr Maroon, – His is always the first blog I visit. Full of overblown pompous crap, he has a great sense of his own ridiculousness and is full of Scottish hospitality (aye, Ack, I’ve had ma tea).

I tug my beard with respect at Gorilla Bananas, – One of the most polite and erudite primates I have ever had the pleasure to read. His insights into humanity are illuminating. And anyone who can grow a beard across his entire body has to have my respect.

I tug my beard with respect at Dr Evil Scientist - his plans to take over the world might only stretch as far as the office toilet, but he does it with such grandeur that I live in hope.

I tug my beard with respect at Harry Hutton - anyone who can generate that amount of comments every time he coughs deserves a bit of respect, although there’s a bit too much hero worshipping going on there sometimes. He's never commented here, although he did once mention me affectionately as "this filthy animal"

I tug my beard with respect at Joke Mail - for his sense of environmentalism – rather than waste resources on something new, he is busily recycling old jokes.

I tug my beard with respect at Noreen - She may never have commented here, but for brief moments she allows me to feel normal.

I tug my beard with respect at Hungbunny - Short, sharp, insightful comments, usually worth at least a half-smirk

I tug my beard with respect at Andraste - a real woman who knows her own mind and body, and where she keeps the baseball bat.

I tug my beard with respect at Slimey Dyke - for one so young, she has a disconcerting way of stroking my beard under my chin and making me forget what I was going to rant about.

I tug my beard with respect at The Neighbour of the Hoors - she’s been a bit quiet of late, but her tales of living above an Aberdeen brothel have kept me amused for many months.

I tug my beard with respect at Anti-Barney - he will often be the very last blog I visit, so that I can just savour the pure joy of his world. It makes me feel like I’m coming home.

I tug my beard with respect at SafeTinspector - his blog is like a Sudoku puzzle: just when I think I’ve got the hang of it I realise I made a mistake earlier that means my entire level of understanding has just been made void. Endless hours of entertainment.

I tug my beard with respect at Just Breathe - for a new blogger on the block she’s seamlessly entered this bizarre collection of misfits and it feels like she’s always been here.

I tug my beard with respect at Brewski - it amazes me each time he posts on his blog that he’s still alive.

I tug my beard with respect at Redhead - as a woman with kids in her 30s, the picture’s either a fake or taken many years back, but the earth-mother/fertility goddess thing gives me much to fantasize about.

I tug my beard with respect at Fatmammycat – She has a way about her that just constantly leaves me yearning for more, and I long for the day that she starts developing her own blog.

Footeater doesn’t get any beard tugging – he spends far too much time running away from who he is and trying to be someone he’s not, and it’s painful to watch. Perhaps he'll mature into something amusing this year and be worth a tugged beard a the end of 2006, but I won't be holding my breath.

After long and drawn out negotiations with the Kim Ayres - The Bearded Scotsman, who I don’t think actually is Scottish, I have agreed not to post comments on his site in return for him creating a button that you can place on your own site, much like the Maroon Awards he created for Dr M.

So for all those mentioned above, you can insert this icon into your sidebar, by using this piece of code

[a href=""][img src="" border="0" alt="A beard has been tugged at me with respect"][/a]

only you will need to exchange the square brackets for angular ones

May this New Year be a fuck of a lot better for you all than the last one.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Terrible Truth about Father Christmas

For all those children reading this, if you’re old enough to have bypassed your parent’s AOL Parental Controls, if you’re old enough to have learnt how to disable Net Nanny and Cybersitter, if you’re old enough to have successfully managed to convince your parents that you’re trustworthy and would never visit a site such as this one, then you’re old enough to know the terrible truth about Father Christmas.

Haven’t you ever noticed that the rich kids get huge stockings with fantastic presents while the poorer kids get a lot less, and when your grandparents were kids all they got was a satsuma and a hanky?

And what about those poor kids in foreign countries? Your school asked you to fill a shoebox with stuff that will be sent out to the destitute and needy. Why isn’t Santa delivering them? Why isn’t Santa using the extraordinary resources of his elves to create wondrous joy for those who really could do with a bit of cheering up, rather than a bunch of selfish brats who already have too much junk cluttering up their rooms?

Remember at school how they explained to you that Santa was really St Nicholas. Well don’t you think that the decent Christian thing to do is give to the poor and needy rather than the rich and selfish?

So what’s the explanation for this apparent difference between expectation and reality?

I’ll tell you:

Santa’s a cunt!

He doesn’t give a fuck about poor people. Rich kids leave a better quality of whisky when he visits, and are more likely to provide organic, free range carrots for his reindeer. Poor people can keep their good will and it’s the thought that counts, and stuff it up their arses.

So fuck him.

On Christmas Eve you’ll find me hiding behind the chimneystack on the roof of the posh neighbour’s house. I plan on having venison for my Christmas Dinner this year.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tobacco - the stupidest fucking drug in the universe

Of all the drugs a person can indulge in, smoking is surely one of the most fucking stupid.

Quite apart from the fact that it kills you slowly and painfully, and it will kill those around you, it's not even a fun drug.

I mean, with other drugs, such as dope, cocaine, ecstacy, acid, crack, heroin etc, at least with these you get a real high before they contribute towards your death. But with tobacco, the best you get is a mild nicotene rush with the first cigarette of the day for the first couple of months you smoke.

That's it.

Then, all you get is horrible fucking cravings and other withdrawal symptoms if you don't have it.

How fucking pathetic is that?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The stupid cunts who obey the stupid cunts

Yeah yeah, we know that all the fucking leaders of the world who make the decisions to go to war should be put in a fucking stadium filled with boxes of knives, chemicals and torture equipment and be locked in, and not be allowed back out until they're all dead.

But who lets them get away with it?

Fucking unquestioning sheep that you all are. They can only send you off to die because you fucking well let them.

Who's the biggest fucking arsehole: the person who says "go and kill those people in that foreign country, and risk your life doing it so that I can show of to the world what a great leader I am!", or the people who say "OK then!"?

You're fucking idiots and you make me fucking puke.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Tom & Jerry - Nazi Propganda - A Remembrance Day Theme

During the World Wars, the British soldiers were affectionately known as Tommy, while the German Hun were known as Jerry.

And yet, in February 1940, before the US entered WWII, MGM released their first in a series of cartoons starring Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse, battling each other for supremacy of the home and refridgerator.

And who always wins? Jerry fucking mouse does, that's who.

What does that tell you about the Amercian attitude to the British eh?

In the comments Gorilla Bananas said...
Other the other had, Tom is much funnier. Unlike Jerry, he occasionally talks and gets to do funny voices. He also gets to sing, e.g. "Is you is or is you ain't my baby".

Is you is or is you ain't my baby?
The way you're actin' lately makes me doubt
Yous is still my baby-baby
Seems my flame in your heart's done gone out
A woman is a creature that has always been strange
Just when you're sure of one
You find she's gone and made a change
Is you is or is you ain't my baby
Maybe baby's found somebody new
Or is my baby still my baby true?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

9/11 Remembered

On this day, November 9th 1973, Ringo Starr released his third solo album, "Ringo"

Generally considered Starr's best album - and undisputed as his most famous - Ringo is notable for its slew of guest stars, including his fellow ex-Beatles, something which would become a trademark for Starr on many of his future albums.

Well, what the fuck did you expect, something about the Twin Towers?

It's the 9th of fucking November, which means it's 9/11, not 11/09 as the Americans would have us believe. Day - Month - Year: increasing in time span. Why the fuck the Yanks decided to put the month first is anybody's guess.

Stupid Cunts!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

There are some sick bastards out there

I've just been looking at where some of the visitors to this site are coming from, and many are coming from the sites I'm linked to on the right. These sick fuckers are my kind of sick fuckers.

Then there are those that have found my site via search engines, typing in phrases such as "Cunt Eater", "Arse Fucking", "Fucking Cunt", and even "Glasgow Scotland". These sick fuckers will have been severely fucking disappointed by this site, and so they fucking should be. Perverted cunts.

But then there are some who have come here from sites that are quite unrelated. I can only assume that the sick fuckers have both these sites, and my blog, in their favourites folder, so that they can switch back and forth.

So come on you cunts. Who's going to own up to being regular visitors to:
and most disturbingly of all

These sick cunts are in a league of their own

Beware your perverted web-surfing habits - they can be traced...


It seems that someone has recently accessed my site from Google, using the phrase

How to use a parachute

I have this wonderful vision of the fucker working his way through this blog, looking for useful information while plummeting at 120 mph!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

18th Century Tourette's

Few realise that Thomas Jefferson suffered from a form of Tourettes, and that had Benjamin Franklin et al not helped him redraft The Unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, then the US might not be the dominant global power that it is today.

Here is a fragment of an early, unpublished first draft:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men IMPUDENT SCALLYWAG are
created equal, that they are IMCOMPETENT MONGREL endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that COWARDLY RASCAL among these are Life, Liberty, and the CONTEMPTIBLE THIEF pursuit of Happiness.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Maroon Award for the Most Artistic Use of the Word “Cunt”

Maroon Award

What can I say?

I'm honoured by this award.

I'd like to thank my agent, my hamster and, of course, my beard, which has inadvertantly velcroed itself to so many cunts over the years.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

God's a Stupid Cunt

Why is God still using earthquakes and hurricanes to get the message across that He's fucked off with people?


Why the fuck doesn't He just send a video recording to Al Jazeera like any respectable terrorist?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Why don't you suck your father's dick to see if your sister's got her period yet?

This is one of my favourite insults of all time. I used it over on Dr E's site a few weeks back. However, the stupid cunt has just switched over to Haloscan and lost months worth of carefully crafted insults from various fans.

Friday, September 23, 2005

A True Christian

Do you know what I hate about most Christians? They're fucking hypocrites!

You think that just because your local vicar is a fairly gentle soul who likes cucumber sandwiches, that somehow Christianity is a gentle religion. You think that because you go to church for weddings, christenings and funerals that God is there for you at the big occasions in your life. You think that because you skip church sometimes that God will forgive you because underneath it all you're a nice person.

Well you're so fucking wrong you ignorant cunt.

Have you ever actually read your bible? I mean really read it? Have you thought through the implications of what it says?

Now Pastor Jim Nicholls shows us what it is to be a True Christian ( He understands that there's none of your hypocritical "God is reasonable" shite.

Pastor Jim Nicholls knows that little things like Logic or Reason get in the way of Faith. Remember - the Bible IS the Word of God! How do you know? Because it says so, and you have to have Faith. Without Faith, how the fuck can you call yourself a Christian?

You can't be a Christian AND a Liberal! You will only get into Heaven if you accept Jesus Christ as your Saviour, and accept the Word of God - that is, The Bible. God doesn't care if you the nicest, kindest, warmest, most humanitarian person on the planet. If you are not Christian, you are not getting in.

So when you have some Christian friend who says it's ok for there to be Gay Christians - they're being a fucking hypocrite - READ YOUR BIBLE - God Hates Gays.

Gentle Christianity is a myth to lull you into a false sense of security- it is the work of Satan himself. If you want to know what being a REAL Christian is all about, then I suggest you type these phrases into Google - "The Spanish Inquisition", "The Crusades", "Witchfinder General" and "Northern Ireland - Protestants vs Catholics" - then you'll know what True Christianity is all about.

I despise this fucking religion, but I have respect for those who have the courage of their convictions to be true to their faith, and not water it down with liberal, socially acceptable ideas, and somehow think that they can still legitimately call themselves Christian.

Pastor Jim Nicholls - I salute you for not being afraid to show the world what a True Christian is.