Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Terrible Truth about Father Christmas

For all those children reading this, if you’re old enough to have bypassed your parent’s AOL Parental Controls, if you’re old enough to have learnt how to disable Net Nanny and Cybersitter, if you’re old enough to have successfully managed to convince your parents that you’re trustworthy and would never visit a site such as this one, then you’re old enough to know the terrible truth about Father Christmas.

Haven’t you ever noticed that the rich kids get huge stockings with fantastic presents while the poorer kids get a lot less, and when your grandparents were kids all they got was a satsuma and a hanky?

And what about those poor kids in foreign countries? Your school asked you to fill a shoebox with stuff that will be sent out to the destitute and needy. Why isn’t Santa delivering them? Why isn’t Santa using the extraordinary resources of his elves to create wondrous joy for those who really could do with a bit of cheering up, rather than a bunch of selfish brats who already have too much junk cluttering up their rooms?

Remember at school how they explained to you that Santa was really St Nicholas. Well don’t you think that the decent Christian thing to do is give to the poor and needy rather than the rich and selfish?

So what’s the explanation for this apparent difference between expectation and reality?

I’ll tell you:

Santa’s a cunt!

He doesn’t give a fuck about poor people. Rich kids leave a better quality of whisky when he visits, and are more likely to provide organic, free range carrots for his reindeer. Poor people can keep their good will and it’s the thought that counts, and stuff it up their arses.

So fuck him.

On Christmas Eve you’ll find me hiding behind the chimneystack on the roof of the posh neighbour’s house. I plan on having venison for my Christmas Dinner this year.

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