yeah, right

Jesus might have died on the Cross, but I've inherited His fucking hangover

FUCK
OFF
YOU
CUNTS

New Year?

Fuck off. It doesn't look that new to me. Just like the old one with a slap of new paint. Can't fool me.

Cunts

The Arse End of Jesus

This might have been around for a few months but I fucking pissed myself when I found out about Angus the Terrier's arse depicting Jesus



http://getbehindjesus.net/

Rapture

Roll on the fucking Rapture. The world will be a better place with all those fucking Born Again Christians gone.

No TV evangelists

No Cliff Richard

No Mr fucking Williams, RE teacher


Rapture indeed

Pet Footeater

Monstee, you're a fucking genius

Two Fucking Wrongs

For Fuck's sake! Fucking Israeli Scum Bastards are even bigger fucking scum bastards than the Fucking Hezbollah Scum Bastards.

If you want to kill your enemy then go ahead and kill your fucking enemy. People who are not in the fucking army - children and civilians - are not the fucking enemy.

Just because the Fucking Hezbollah Scum Bastards shoot rockets into Israel and kill a few civilians doesn't mean that the Fucking Israeli Scum Bastards are entitled to kill thirty times as many Lebanese civilians.

According to http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/5227912.stm - 29th July 2006

Some 600 Lebanese, the majority civilians, are confirmed killed in the conflict. Fifty-one Israelis, including at least 18 civilians, have been killed, mostly by Hezbollah rockets.

Let's see - Hezbollah kills 18 Israeli civilians - remember, civilians means non-combatants - and Israel kills the majority of 600 civilians.

While some fucking politicians say that Israel's response is "disproportionate", Tony Fucking Blair and George Fucking Bush won't even call for a ceasefire

Fucking cunts. The absolute fucking cunts.

And where are the cunts who make the decisions that cause all these deaths of innocent people? Are their lives at risk? Are their children being killed? Like fuck.

Take the children of all the fucking cunts who give orders to kill civilians, or to play fucking politics with people's lives and put them in the firing line. Then you'd see how fucking quickly they'd be able to talk out a solution.

Fucking scum bastards

World Cup Wankers

I despise this fucking game and I detest the fucking tribalism and nationalism that go along with it.

I don't care who supports who, or not. It's all a load of fucking bollocks.

"Because I was born on this bit of rock, I shall wear these colours and say that I'm superior to you lot who were born on that bit of rock."

Fucking wankers.

How fucking stupid can you get?

Cunts

The Devil's A Pussy

The Devil is a fucking wimp.

So here we are, the 6th of the 6th of the 6th, even for the fucking Amercians, and what can we look forward to? The Hoards of Hell? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? The overthrowing of God?

Like fuck.

All we get is a fucking remake of The Omen.

What kind of opposition party does He think He's fucking running?

God's never been so fucking unpopular, making fucked up decisions left right and fucking centre and where's Satan in all this?

There has never been a better time to grasp the reigns of power and change the fucking world, but He's nowhere to be found.

He's nothing but the Ian Duncan Smith of the Spiritual planes.

Fucking Cunt.

Are Wheelchair Users Blind?

What the fuck is Blogger doing with it's fucking disabled image by the side of the Word Verification on comments posting?

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE FUCKING BLIND

Fucking hell. What a stupid bunch of fucking cunts.

If they're going to help people with visual disabilities THEN THEY SHOULD USE A FUCKING SYMBOL THAT REPRESENTS VISUAL DISABILITY



or



Stupid Cunts

The story so far

Confused? Too fucking right.

So what the fuck's been going on?

After some genius fucking posting, I started to feel under pressure to carry on with the high standard of bile I'd created. Then I started to resent the fucking thing. I also realised that I spent far too much of my fucking time visiting, reading, commenting and writing blogs, to the detriment of my real life.

So I thought I'd kill off El Barbudo and get my fucking life back. I'd go out with a bang - big Blunt Cogs story line - and then that would be it.

As Easter arrived I couldn't resist taking a swipe at the fucking Christians and so posted another BC script. I also found I'd got nominated, and won, blog of the week from A Mischief of Magpies.

I got nostalgic.

So I thought I could do the odd post here and there.

But I was attacked on several sides for being an attention seeker - AS IF ANY OF YOU FUCKING CUNTS WHO WRITE A BLOG FOR THE WORLD TO SEE ISN'T A FUCKING ATTENTION SEEKER.

So I thought Fuckit. I should have just stayed dead when I was killed off and I deleted the fucking blog.

Suddenly El Barbudo was back as a puppet for some other cunt to play with and I had no fucking control over what was done with him.

Serves me right for being a stupid cunt.

But then Monstee and Binty created El Barbustee and El Barbintyo, who were works of fucking genius, and I thought there was maybe a role as the Ghost of El Barbudo.

Out of nowhere I was suddenly given the keys back to El Barbudo by the kindest, sweetest, most caring, most understanding, prettiest, scariest bitch in the Blunt Cogs circle who had acquired them.

So I'm back.

I'm only going to post when I have something worth posting. If I go for 6 months without posting then so be fucking it. But no other fucker is going to steal my fucking blog site again.

I kept a copy of my favourite entries so have posted them back up for anyone who's interested.

Now fuck off the lot of you.

I'm Back You Cunts

Well that was a close fucking call.

It's a fucking cliche, but sometimes you just don't appreciate something you've got until some cunt takes it off you and fucks about with it.

Hah! I Fucking Won!

There you go - 2 fucking awards in just over 2 weeks.

http://amischiefofmagpies.blogspot.com/2006/04/blog-of-week_114521640364150093.html

Only these cunts don't seem to have a banner I can display on my site.

It's almost enough to make me think about blogging again - the fame, the glory, the abuse...

Rhythmic Fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

FUCK CUNT fuck fuck
FUCK CUNT fuck fuck

Fuckity Cunt fuck fuck
Fuckity Cunt fuck fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

Fuckity fuckity
Cuntingly fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

Fuckity fuckity
Cuntingly fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

Bollocks and arsehole
Wanker and cunt

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

Fuckity fuckity
Cuntingly fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

FUCK fuck fuck fuck
FUCK fuck fuck fuck

Shit

Blogger Ate My Hamster

The great Blog Quake of February 4th, 2006, left much misery across Blogtown. Comments were devoured, new postings were swallowed whole and some of the greatest bursts of creativity known to man were lost forever.

I, for example, posted one of the... no, lets us put modesty to one side for the moment... THE greatest blog entry of all time about a hamster. It had action, adventure, foul language used in an appropriate context, and enough hilarity to to convert a Jehovah's Witness to alcoholism.

However, the cruel winds of fate have decreed that it is now lost forever, and humanity will be denied the acme of blog entries.

Cunts

Pain

I'm not into pain

Let me rephrase that.

I'm not into my own pain

Blunt Cogs

Time to try something a little different, and try and drag a few cunts along with me.

I've decided to create an online comic strip starring many of the egotistical, attention seeking and occassionally witty cunts that like to comment here.

But, and here's where it either becomes one of the greatest blogging successes in history, or falls flat on its arse before it begins, I'm going to need their input. I need character images and storylines. Is any cunt up for the challenge?



Click on the image to take you to the first entry

Beard Tugs for 2005

And so the end of another year is just about here, and despite what the gods have thrown at me I would like just to say to them "I’m still alive you cunts!"

Some think that I am nothing but a foul-mouthed cunt who does little but impotently scream abuse at the universe from my padded cell. And while there may be much truth in this representation, it is not the whole picture, for there are various people that have made me smile, smirk, guffaw and chuckle heartily over the past few months, and on occasion, even made me reflect.

So it is with a sense of disorientation that I would like to tug my beard with respect at various individuals who write blogs that I regularly like to print off and wipe my arse with.

I tug my beard with respect at Dr Maroon, – His is always the first blog I visit. Full of overblown pompous crap, he has a great sense of his own ridiculousness and is full of Scottish hospitality (aye, Ack, I’ve had ma tea).

I tug my beard with respect at Gorilla Bananas, – One of the most polite and erudite primates I have ever had the pleasure to read. His insights into humanity are illuminating. And anyone who can grow a beard across his entire body has to have my respect.

I tug my beard with respect at Dr Evil Scientist - his plans to take over the world might only stretch as far as the office toilet, but he does it with such grandeur that I live in hope.

I tug my beard with respect at Harry Hutton - anyone who can generate that amount of comments every time he coughs deserves a bit of respect, although there’s a bit too much hero worshipping going on there sometimes. He's never commented here, although he did once mention me affectionately as "this filthy animal"

I tug my beard with respect at Joke Mail - for his sense of environmentalism – rather than waste resources on something new, he is busily recycling old jokes.

I tug my beard with respect at Noreen - She may never have commented here, but for brief moments she allows me to feel normal.

I tug my beard with respect at Hungbunny - Short, sharp, insightful comments, usually worth at least a half-smirk

I tug my beard with respect at Andraste - a real woman who knows her own mind and body, and where she keeps the baseball bat.

I tug my beard with respect at Slimey Dyke - for one so young, she has a disconcerting way of stroking my beard under my chin and making me forget what I was going to rant about.

I tug my beard with respect at The Neighbour of the Hoors - she’s been a bit quiet of late, but her tales of living above an Aberdeen brothel have kept me amused for many months.

I tug my beard with respect at Anti-Barney - he will often be the very last blog I visit, so that I can just savour the pure joy of his world. It makes me feel like I’m coming home.

I tug my beard with respect at SafeTinspector - his blog is like a Sudoku puzzle: just when I think I’ve got the hang of it I realise I made a mistake earlier that means my entire level of understanding has just been made void. Endless hours of entertainment.

I tug my beard with respect at Just Breathe - for a new blogger on the block she’s seamlessly entered this bizarre collection of misfits and it feels like she’s always been here.

I tug my beard with respect at Brewski - it amazes me each time he posts on his blog that he’s still alive.

I tug my beard with respect at Redhead - as a woman with kids in her 30s, the picture’s either a fake or taken many years back, but the earth-mother/fertility goddess thing gives me much to fantasize about.

I tug my beard with respect at Fatmammycat – She has a way about her that just constantly leaves me yearning for more, and I long for the day that she starts developing her own blog.

Footeater doesn’t get any beard tugging – he spends far too much time running away from who he is and trying to be someone he’s not, and it’s painful to watch. Perhaps he'll mature into something amusing this year and be worth a tugged beard a the end of 2006, but I won't be holding my breath.

After long and drawn out negotiations with the Kim Ayres - The Bearded Scotsman, who I don’t think actually is Scottish, I have agreed not to post comments on his site in return for him creating a button that you can place on your own site, much like the Maroon Awards he created for Dr M.

So for all those mentioned above, you can insert this icon into your sidebar, by using this piece of code

[a href="http://el-barbudo.blogspot.com/2005/12/beard-tugs-for-2005.html"][img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7175/1572/320/tuggedbeard.gif" border="0" alt="A beard has been tugged at me with respect"][/a]

only you will need to exchange the square brackets for angular ones

May this New Year be a fuck of a lot better for you all than the last one.

The Terrible Truth about Father Christmas

For all those children reading this, if you’re old enough to have bypassed your parent’s AOL Parental Controls, if you’re old enough to have learnt how to disable Net Nanny and Cybersitter, if you’re old enough to have successfully managed to convince your parents that you’re trustworthy and would never visit a site such as this one, then you’re old enough to know the terrible truth about Father Christmas.

Haven’t you ever noticed that the rich kids get huge stockings with fantastic presents while the poorer kids get a lot less, and when your grandparents were kids all they got was a satsuma and a hanky?

And what about those poor kids in foreign countries? Your school asked you to fill a shoebox with stuff that will be sent out to the destitute and needy. Why isn’t Santa delivering them? Why isn’t Santa using the extraordinary resources of his elves to create wondrous joy for those who really could do with a bit of cheering up, rather than a bunch of selfish brats who already have too much junk cluttering up their rooms?

Remember at school how they explained to you that Santa was really St Nicholas. Well don’t you think that the decent Christian thing to do is give to the poor and needy rather than the rich and selfish?

So what’s the explanation for this apparent difference between expectation and reality?

I’ll tell you:

Santa’s a cunt!

He doesn’t give a fuck about poor people. Rich kids leave a better quality of whisky when he visits, and are more likely to provide organic, free range carrots for his reindeer. Poor people can keep their good will and it’s the thought that counts, and stuff it up their arses.

So fuck him.

On Christmas Eve you’ll find me hiding behind the chimneystack on the roof of the posh neighbour’s house. I plan on having venison for my Christmas Dinner this year.

Tobacco - the stupidest fucking drug in the universe

Of all the drugs a person can indulge in, smoking is surely one of the most fucking stupid.

Quite apart from the fact that it kills you slowly and painfully, and it will kill those around you, it's not even a fun drug.

I mean, with other drugs, such as dope, cocaine, ecstacy, acid, crack, heroin etc, at least with these you get a real high before they contribute towards your death. But with tobacco, the best you get is a mild nicotene rush with the first cigarette of the day for the first couple of months you smoke.

That's it.

Then, all you get is horrible fucking cravings and other withdrawal symptoms if you don't have it.

How fucking pathetic is that?