Friday, December 30, 2005

Beard Tugs for 2005

And so the end of another year is just about here, and despite what the gods have thrown at me I would like just to say to them "I’m still alive you cunts!"

Some think that I am nothing but a foul-mouthed cunt who does little but impotently scream abuse at the universe from my padded cell. And while there may be much truth in this representation, it is not the whole picture, for there are various people that have made me smile, smirk, guffaw and chuckle heartily over the past few months, and on occasion, even made me reflect.

So it is with a sense of disorientation that I would like to tug my beard with respect at various individuals who write blogs that I regularly like to print off and wipe my arse with.

I tug my beard with respect at Dr Maroon, – His is always the first blog I visit. Full of overblown pompous crap, he has a great sense of his own ridiculousness and is full of Scottish hospitality (aye, Ack, I’ve had ma tea).

I tug my beard with respect at Gorilla Bananas, – One of the most polite and erudite primates I have ever had the pleasure to read. His insights into humanity are illuminating. And anyone who can grow a beard across his entire body has to have my respect.

I tug my beard with respect at Dr Evil Scientist - his plans to take over the world might only stretch as far as the office toilet, but he does it with such grandeur that I live in hope.

I tug my beard with respect at Harry Hutton - anyone who can generate that amount of comments every time he coughs deserves a bit of respect, although there’s a bit too much hero worshipping going on there sometimes. He's never commented here, although he did once mention me affectionately as "this filthy animal"

I tug my beard with respect at Joke Mail - for his sense of environmentalism – rather than waste resources on something new, he is busily recycling old jokes.

I tug my beard with respect at Noreen - She may never have commented here, but for brief moments she allows me to feel normal.

I tug my beard with respect at Hungbunny - Short, sharp, insightful comments, usually worth at least a half-smirk

I tug my beard with respect at Andraste - a real woman who knows her own mind and body, and where she keeps the baseball bat.

I tug my beard with respect at Slimey Dyke - for one so young, she has a disconcerting way of stroking my beard under my chin and making me forget what I was going to rant about.

I tug my beard with respect at The Neighbour of the Hoors - she’s been a bit quiet of late, but her tales of living above an Aberdeen brothel have kept me amused for many months.

I tug my beard with respect at Anti-Barney - he will often be the very last blog I visit, so that I can just savour the pure joy of his world. It makes me feel like I’m coming home.

I tug my beard with respect at SafeTinspector - his blog is like a Sudoku puzzle: just when I think I’ve got the hang of it I realise I made a mistake earlier that means my entire level of understanding has just been made void. Endless hours of entertainment.

I tug my beard with respect at Just Breathe - for a new blogger on the block she’s seamlessly entered this bizarre collection of misfits and it feels like she’s always been here.

I tug my beard with respect at Brewski - it amazes me each time he posts on his blog that he’s still alive.

I tug my beard with respect at Redhead - as a woman with kids in her 30s, the picture’s either a fake or taken many years back, but the earth-mother/fertility goddess thing gives me much to fantasize about.

I tug my beard with respect at Fatmammycat – She has a way about her that just constantly leaves me yearning for more, and I long for the day that she starts developing her own blog.

Footeater doesn’t get any beard tugging – he spends far too much time running away from who he is and trying to be someone he’s not, and it’s painful to watch. Perhaps he'll mature into something amusing this year and be worth a tugged beard a the end of 2006, but I won't be holding my breath.

After long and drawn out negotiations with the Kim Ayres - The Bearded Scotsman, who I don’t think actually is Scottish, I have agreed not to post comments on his site in return for him creating a button that you can place on your own site, much like the Maroon Awards he created for Dr M.

So for all those mentioned above, you can insert this icon into your sidebar, by using this piece of code

[a href=""][img src="" border="0" alt="A beard has been tugged at me with respect"][/a]

only you will need to exchange the square brackets for angular ones

May this New Year be a fuck of a lot better for you all than the last one.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Terrible Truth about Father Christmas

For all those children reading this, if you’re old enough to have bypassed your parent’s AOL Parental Controls, if you’re old enough to have learnt how to disable Net Nanny and Cybersitter, if you’re old enough to have successfully managed to convince your parents that you’re trustworthy and would never visit a site such as this one, then you’re old enough to know the terrible truth about Father Christmas.

Haven’t you ever noticed that the rich kids get huge stockings with fantastic presents while the poorer kids get a lot less, and when your grandparents were kids all they got was a satsuma and a hanky?

And what about those poor kids in foreign countries? Your school asked you to fill a shoebox with stuff that will be sent out to the destitute and needy. Why isn’t Santa delivering them? Why isn’t Santa using the extraordinary resources of his elves to create wondrous joy for those who really could do with a bit of cheering up, rather than a bunch of selfish brats who already have too much junk cluttering up their rooms?

Remember at school how they explained to you that Santa was really St Nicholas. Well don’t you think that the decent Christian thing to do is give to the poor and needy rather than the rich and selfish?

So what’s the explanation for this apparent difference between expectation and reality?

I’ll tell you:

Santa’s a cunt!

He doesn’t give a fuck about poor people. Rich kids leave a better quality of whisky when he visits, and are more likely to provide organic, free range carrots for his reindeer. Poor people can keep their good will and it’s the thought that counts, and stuff it up their arses.

So fuck him.

On Christmas Eve you’ll find me hiding behind the chimneystack on the roof of the posh neighbour’s house. I plan on having venison for my Christmas Dinner this year.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tobacco - the stupidest fucking drug in the universe

Of all the drugs a person can indulge in, smoking is surely one of the most fucking stupid.

Quite apart from the fact that it kills you slowly and painfully, and it will kill those around you, it's not even a fun drug.

I mean, with other drugs, such as dope, cocaine, ecstacy, acid, crack, heroin etc, at least with these you get a real high before they contribute towards your death. But with tobacco, the best you get is a mild nicotene rush with the first cigarette of the day for the first couple of months you smoke.

That's it.

Then, all you get is horrible fucking cravings and other withdrawal symptoms if you don't have it.

How fucking pathetic is that?